


The closest to heaven

by pensandwings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 06:02:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2013795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pensandwings/pseuds/pensandwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas finally gains the courage to tell Dean how he really feels, but is Dean ready to hear it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The closest to heaven

“I love you.” He said again sternly. His hands were balled into fists at his sides. His slightly too large coat hung fiercely on his rigid body. His stance betrayed his words, as if he was admitting his greatest sin.

Dean looked up slowly from the paper in front of him. Had he heard that correctly? He couldn’t have. What had they been talking about before? Cas had come stumbling in tonight. His hair stuck out in every direction. His tie was slightly undone and reminded Dean of how Cas used to be. The thought brought a faint smile to Dean’s lips. Cas said nothing as he walked around the room. Dean sat in a chair, throwing a jab at Cas, questioning if he had gone on another bender. He looked away from Cas to the paper in front of him. Dean tried not to notice the intense stare he was getting from the other side of the room. “Has anyone ever told you how intense you are? It’s kind of freaky, makes it hard to concentrate.” He threw him a smile and raised his eyebrow then looked back to the paper.

That’s when he heard Cas’ gruff voice whisper from his side of the room. That’s when his stomach dropped and his face got a lot warmer. The paper suddenly got a lot harder to look away from. A thousand thoughts raced through his mind as he tried to form a response. He’ll leave. This was Cas he was talking about. He’s too good for you. It wasn't like he had never thought about Cas in that way. You don’t deserve this. He had just never thought Cas could feel the same way. He had pushed the thought deep down and now it was resurfacing fast.

When Cas repeated himself it was more sure this time, more determined. There was a sense of authority in his tone, a demand to be taken seriously. His eyebrows were slanted into grimace, mouth a tight line. Dean just stared at him. After a few blinks Cas opened his mouth to speak again. “Okay, okay,” Dean said standing to stop him. His placed a hand on Cas’ shoulder, “I heard you.” Dean walked passed Cas, running his fingers through his hair, and placing them on his waist. He paced the room for a moment.

“Look man,” Dean finally said, “I know you think you, love me, or whatever. But I mean, come on!” Dean threw his hand in the arms and slapped them down against his thighs.

“Are you questioning the legitimacy of my feelings Dean? Because I assure you they are real,” Cas asked, his eyes scanning Dean as he paced.

“No,” Dean stopped. “It just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any sense.” Dean shook his head. “I think you drank one liquor store too many and its messing with your head.” He pointed at Cas walking by him into the kitchen. He pulled the fridge door open, leaning over to grab a beer.

“Dean, please, I am trying to be serious-”

“Maybe you’re having whiplash from your angel-human freaky Friday. It must be doing some crazy stuff to your body.”

“Dean,”

“Wouldn't that be ironic though, an angel and a human? If this is just some big play to get back at the big guy up stairs, well then by all means I’m on board, you-”

“DEAN,” Cas shouted. “My feelings are not joke. And I demand you acknowledge them. You have no idea how much courage this took.”

“Oh, you demand do you?” Dean suddenly feeling attacked. He shut the fridge door behind him. Walking right up to Cas’ face. He stared hard at his eyes. Who was Cas to push this on him. He was forcing him to confront things he wouldn't allow himself to think longer about than was safe. This was too much at once. “So you think you get to tell everyone when to feel things?”

“Dean we need to deal with this.” Cas retorted, maintaining his stern expression. He never moved from Dean’s glare.

“What if I don’t want to deal with it?” Dean spat in Cas’ face. “What about what I want?” “This is about what you want Dean.” Cas’ face softened for a moment.

“I’m doing this for you.”

“For me,” Dean mimicked. “You know nothing about me Cas. You don’t know what I need. Stop acting like you know what’s best. We both know you fuck that up most of the time and I don’t need you fucking me up too.” His words were like venom. They burned as they fell of his tongue. He knew they weren't true, but he couldn't stop them from spilling out. He needed out of here, out of this situation. He wanted away from Cas’ blue eyes and the fear in his stomach that made his insides hurt.

Cas’ fists were in his collar then. Bundled up fabric ripped as Cas shoved back onto the wall. His face was inches from Dean’s, his eyes fixed forward. “Your so selfish, you can’t run away from this Dean. You act so tough when I know you are a broken boy inside. You push those away who love you because you fear being pushed away. Don’t you dare act like I don’t know you Dean. I’ve bled for you, I’ve died for you. I deserve some respect.” Cas shouted into his face. Dean felt hot pricks at his eyes. His brain was going into overload. He could handle the warmth of Cas’ breath on his face or the pain in his chest. Dean pushed Cas off of him.

“You know nothing. You have no idea how this feels.” His screamed wavered. “I didn’t ask for this.” Dean yelled at no one in particular. “I didn’t ask to feel like this. You don’ get to do this to me Cas.” His voice slowly lowered into a whimper. “You can’t do this to me. It’s too big. I don’t,” Dean stammered “I don’t deserve your love.”

“You don’t think you deserved to be loved?” Cas asked, his voice was pensive.

Dean turned his back to Cas, pinching the bridge of his nose. He felt like he was going to puke. Even as he squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn’t push out the images of Cas in his mind. Everything he has pushed aside for the past 4 year came crashing to the surface and overflowed. Every stolen glance, every smile, every time he wished things were different, all coursed through his veins. He regretted every goodbye and every time he said the wrong thing. He wished he wasn’t so weak and could face Cas. But the more he felt, the more his wall tore him down, and he felt smaller against the world. The more he thought about it, the more it didn’t make sense. Why would an angel of the lord want him? He was a worthless man, who did more harm than good. He failed more than he should and let those who depended on him down.

“Why Cas,” he whispered, still not facing him.“Why me?” There was no answer at first.

Then Cas’ small voice rang out, “From the moment I touched your soul I was lost. You gave me something greater than faith. You gave me something that was actually worth fighting for. You’re what kept me going through the apocalypse. Knowing you would be alive and safe is what kept me running in purgatory. I need you.”

Dean turned back to face him again. Cas’ face looked determined, although something scared flashed behind his eyes. He couldn’t look away from his face. He watched the soft lines of the man who had been his best friend, the one person who he could always count on.

“I’m poison.” In one final attempt to argue, Dean felt his fight fade away. Instead, something warm spread through his body. He felt vulnerable and scared. He refused to drop Cas’ gaze.

“In the words of a friend,” Cas said with a smirk on his lips, “I’d rather have you. Cursed or not.” Dean couldn’t help but smile too. He shook his head again.

The two men stared at each other, neither daring to move. The air felt thick. Dean finally leaned back against the kitchen table, his hands resting by his sides. “Now what?” Dean asked after a minute.

He looked at Cas, noticing his bewildered expression. “I-I don’t know.” Cas said coming to lean beside him against the table. “I didn’t really think this far ahead.” Cas narrowed his eyebrows staring at the floor. He looked almost angry that he had not planned better. Dean clapped his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it man. I don’t think this is the kind of things you can plan.” Dean smiled at him, and forgot for a moment the heat between them. He didn’t move his hand from Cas’ shoulder. He kept it there. It wasn’t much, but the connection felt right. Cas glanced over at the hand on his shoulder and then met Dean’s eyes. Dean huffed out a laugh. Cas had dark bags under his eyes and looked paler than a sheet. He noticed in his reflection in the mirror how beat down he looked too. His eyes were red and tired.

“Look at us. We both look like a couple of train wrecks. Time to hit the hay if you ask me.” Dean stood, lifting himself from the table. “We can, finish this in the morning.”

“Okay Dean.” Cas said sullenly. He could see the disappointment in his eyes. He wasn’t sure how things would be in the morning. He really didn’t want to wake up tomorrow and have things return to normal.

“Night Cas,” Dean said quietly as he walked out into the hall towards his room.

“Goodnight Dean.” Cas answered in barley a whisper.

Dean had made It all the way to his room, the door knob in hand, but he couldn't force himself to go inside. Going inside meant tonight would end. How many times had he dreamed of something like this happening? He squeezed the door knob tighter. If he walked into his room, he may never know what could really happen with Cas. He may lose this moment. He couldn’t let that happen again. Suddenly filled with courage he marched down the hallway back to the kitchen.

Cas still stood at the table, staring sullenly at where Dean had been standing.

“Dean?” Cas looked confused as Dean walked back in and up to Cas. His eyes widened at Dean walked up and took Cas’ face in his hand.

“Now just hold still,” Dean whispered roughly, “I just want to try something.” He leaned his forehead slowly against. His breath was shallow as he tried to control himself. He leaned his head slightly, dragging his hands down Cas’ neck to rest on the sides of his arms. Cas stood rigid, his expression stern, eyes tightly shut.

“Just stand still,” Dean whispered again as he moved his mouth closer. He took a breath before lightly pressing his lips to Cas’. The kiss was slow and small. Dean was cautious against his mouth. Cas’ rough lips pushed against Dean’s and set his stomach ablaze. He pulled back slowly, not wanting to leave behind the taste that Cas offered. Cas opened his eyes slowly as Dean pulled slightly back. Dean had never seen those blue eyes look so wild. Cas looked like he would fall apart. His mouth was agape as he stared at Dean.

“That was-” Dean started, breathing out heavy, “yeah-“He couldn't find words to form a sentence. Cas leaned forward again, cutting off his words.

He leaned into Dean’s mouth again. It was more desperate this time. Cas’ hands were clenched tightly into Deans sleeves. They anchored him into place. Cas could smell leather and tasted how sweet Deans lips were. His breath grew heavy between kisses. Dean pushed back against Cas’ mouth, moving and parting together. Dean pushed his tongue against Cas’ lip, deepening the kiss. Dean’s hand came up behind Cas’ head, gripping his hair, pulling him closer. He pushed Cas up against the table, holding him. They broke apart after moment, their foreheads pressed. The room was silent besides their labored breathes.

“I love you too.”

It was barley a whispers but it was enough that Cas couldn't miss it. Dean pulled away, letting his hand linger as it slid down Cas’ arm as he walked away. He grabbed his jacket off the chair and flung it over his shoulder. He stopped in the doorway before he left the room. He grabbed the wall, looking over his shoulder at Cas. He flashed him a small smile before turning the corner and walking down the hall. He didn’t know what tomorrow would be like. Would he push everything down again? Something about the way that kiss made him feel told him that wouldn’t ever be possible again. He was going have to deal with this now. He was in love with Cas, and kissing him was the closest thing to heaven he was probably ever going to get.


End file.
